


Food Critics

by MagiCraft



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fast Food, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 20:56:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15179219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagiCraft/pseuds/MagiCraft
Summary: A fast food joint, late at night, with a couple of employees working the graveyard shift. A glimpse behind the scenes might be hard to stomach.





	Food Critics

Pulling up to the fast-food drive-thru, the lone businessman studied the menu from the safety of his vehicle. At such a late hour, he was the only customer and he took his time checking the weather-worn illuminated display. Finally, whoever happened to be manning the station must have noticed his presence; with a crackling buzz, a voice greeted him over the battered intercom.   
  
 _“Welcome to_ Arashi’s _, where we cook up a storm for your soul. May I take your order?”_    
  
For a moment, the businessman was thrown by the ritual greeting; not for the words, but for the manner in which they were spoken. He had expected to hear the slightly bored squeak of an indolent teenager repeating the phrase, instead his ears met with the pleasant baritone of a polite young man. “Ah, um… yes.” He responded haltingly, quickly shifting gears and adjusting his tone to match that of the disembodied voice. “I would like to order a large cheese burger on a sesame seed bun, large fries and a diet coke please.”   
  
The intercom buzzed loudly as the worker confirmed his order and added:  _“And will there be anything else?”_    
  
Pausing to think, the man nodded before recalling he could not be seen. “I would, yes.” He replied courteously. “Do you still serve the Five Fruit Pancakes?”   
  
 _“I’m terribly sorry sir,”_  The constant whine of the speakers seemed to emphasise the employees’ distress.  _“We do still serve them, but only as part of the breakfast menu.”_    
  
“Oh, I see…. Well then–” The click of the intercom buzzing back to life cut the businessman short.   
  
 _“Ah- Just a moment please.”_  The tone was both apologetic and hopeful at the same time.  _“I’m sure we can make an exception this time. If you don’t mind waiting a little longer for your order, we would be happy to prepare a breakfast pancake for you also.”_    
  
The customer had not expected such high levels of service in the small hours during mid-week and was pleased. “That would be very kind of you.” He spoke sincerely and before he could be interrupted, he continued in the same breath. “What’s your name son?”   
  
 _“My name? It’s Sakurai, sir. Sakurai Sho.”_  The line fizzled to silence.   
  
“That’s a good name son. And you can bet I’ll be making sure your higher-ups hear of your good name from me tomorrow.”   
  
 _“Wha~ Thank you very much sir!”_  The young man sounded genuinely surprised and humbled.  _“I’m honoured.”_  Amicably, he continued the transaction, informing the customer of the price and asking him to drive to the collection window.   
  
The drone of the intercom faded into background noise as the middle-aged man prepared to pull out. Before he could turn the ignition however, he heard the employees’ voice issuing from the speaker once more.   
  
 _“What the–? You’re a mess!”_    
  
Startled and mildly affronted by the sudden change in attitude, the customer nearly answered sharply when a new voice came over the speaker.   
  
 _“Sorry, I was trying something out in the back.”_    
  
Upon hearing the unfamiliar breathy voice, the businessman realised that Sakurai had forgotten to switch off the intercom. It occurred to him that this was a private conversation and not meant for his ears. Yet, curiosity stilled his hand; it seemed like a rare opportunity to discover what went on behind the scenes of a late night drive-thru. Resting his elbows on the steering wheel, he settled in and listened.   
  
The familiar deep baritone rattled the speaker first.  _“Aiba-chan… no, never mind. Just put this order together please.”_    
  
 _“Hmm… this might be difficult….”_    
  
 _“Difficult? How?”_    
  
 _“Well, first, the pancake…. The big freezer is locked for the night, you know.”_    
  
 _“Ah~ I forgot! But I already promised the customer…”_    
  
 _“It’s fine. I’ll get it done; I just need to improvise a little.”_    
  
 _“Huh?_ Improvise _? Well… I don’t know Aiba-chan; your_ improvising _is what landed you on the graveyard shift in the first place.”_    
  
 _“Is that so? Then what about you? You’re stuck on this shift too Sho-chan.”_  
  
 _“Well_ someone _had to be here to apologise after that guy ordered ‘_ Anything to keep me awake _’ and you_ invented _coffee-grind tempura.”_    
  
 _“He said_ anything _! Besides, I thought it might taste good.”_    
  
 _“But you didn’t try any for yourself before giving it to the customer.”_    
  
 _“…OK, so I messed up on that one, but don’t worry; I’ve got this. Come on, hurry up. I’ll put together the food, Sho-chan, you just get the drink.”_    
  
 _“Fine…”_    
  
Despite the slight sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, the businessman continued to listen in rapt fascination. The tone of conversation was an unusual mix of friendly teasing and worried reprimand and he found he could not close his ears to it. The man began to feel that he had already overheard far too much for comfort, but he made no move to stop. Besides, with the speaker broadcasting from the establishment, the employees would not hear him even if he did attempt to point out their error.   
  
Within the building, Sakurai grabbed a large paper cup while Aiba busied himself in the kitchen. The drink dispenser spluttered few a few seconds, pouring less than half a cup before gurgling to a stop. “Huh? Is it empty?”   
  
Aiba glanced over from the fryer and motioned with a spatula towards a metal canister beneath the counter. “Stock delivery is tomorrow – that’s the last cola refill over there.”   
  
“Oh, OK.” Approaching the steel keg, Sakurai began pulling the heavy container from under the counter. Stopping for a moment, he noticed the thick layer of dust coating his hands and frowned. “How long has this been here?” He asked rhetorically as he checked the side for a date stamp. “ _Erg!_  God this stuff is  _eleven years old!_ ”   
  
“What?”   
  
“How is that even possible? We’ve only been in business for ten.”   
  
Still occupied with cooking, Aiba just shrugged. “It should be fine, shouldn’t it?”   
  
“No way; I can’t serve this….”   
  
“Try the staff fridge then.” Aiba suggested helpfully. “There’s always some cola in there.”   
  
“Are you  _crazy?_ I can’t do that.” Sakurai countered worriedly. “Besides, that’s not even  _Coke_ , it’s  _Pepsi Nex_  and it’s Matsujun’s. He’s bad enough in the mornings – I don’t want him getting mad at me right before I go off shift.”   
  
“It’s not like you have much choice. Anyway, Jun-chan isn’t  _that_ bad. If it’s for a customer, he won’t mind.”   
  
With a sigh, Sakurai conceded to Aiba’s point and took the  _Pepsi Nex_  from the small staff fridge. That done, he walked to the vat to serve up a large box of fries. When he pulled up the basket, however, he was mildly horrified by what he found. “Aiba-chan!” He called sternly. “What the hell is this!?”   
  
“Fries.” The easy-going cook replied.   
  
“No, they’re not. Just because they’re fried, doesn’t mean you can call them fries. Why would you even fry thinly sliced corn husks?”   
  
Aiba, having just finished the cheese burger, nodded towards the box as he moved on the making the pancake. “I thought it might suit the burger better.”   
  
Deeply concerned now, Sakurai approached the completed burger suspiciously. Carefully, he lifted the lid and studied the contents. His eyes grew wide with disbelief. “Uh…. Aiba-chan…? Why has this burger been  _pickled_?”   
  
“It’s a  _cheese_  burger Sho-chan.” Aiba replied as if the answer should be obvious. “Pickling makes it taste even more like a cheese burger than a regular cheese burger.”   
  
“It isn’t even on a sesame seed bun. What is this?”   
  
“It’s takuan bread. I made it at home before work and wanted to try it out.”   
  
“That’s enough.” Sakurai rolled his eyes and his sleeves. “I’m not inflicting this on some poor unsuspecting businessman – I’ll make it myself. You just carry on with the panca–  _Wait!_  Aiba-chan, are you using the  _savoury_  hotcake mix?”   
  
“Don’t worry,” Aiba answered calmingly. “I added a little sugar and I already tried some. It’s perfect! Here~”   
  
Nervously, Sakurai sampled the small piece of pancake that Aiba offered then. He had to admit that it was delicious. “Alright,” He surrendered. “The pan-hot-cake-thingy is fine, but I’m remaking the burger and fries.”   
  
“Are you  _sure?_  I mean, there is a  _reason_  you’re not supposed to cook, you know. Remember the  _Omelette Incident_?”   
  
“I remember.” Sakurai responded shortly. “But compared to your idea of cooking, I’m fairly sure I can’t go far wrong with this. At least the customer will get what he ordered.”   
  
Aiba scoffed laughingly. “It may not be exactly what was ordered, but at least the food I make is edible!”   
  
“Deep-fried eggshells are  _not_  edible Aiba-chan.”   
  
“That was  _one time_! And I just wanted to find out; I wasn’t going to serve them to a customer.”   
  
“No but you still fed them to our manager. I swear, if Ohno hasn’t already killed his taste buds working here, you’re going to finish the job for him. Sometimes…. It’s no wonder Nino thinks eating is  _troublesome_  after being around you all these years.”   
  
“Oi. That’s rude Sho-chan. Nino-chan has always been like that, and one day, I’m going to make something so  _awesome_ , even he will get excited about it.”   
  
“I’ll settle for you making what the customer actually ordered right now.” Sakurai pouted.   
  
“Fine, fine. But it’s so  _boring…_  Ah- speaking of customers: Where  _is_  he? I don’t see a car at the window.”   
  
“Huh? Oh, there, on the camera! He’s just pulling around now.” Even as he spoke, the car turned the corner and came into view. Not for long, however, as the vehicle did not stop at the window, but sped right by, disappearing into the night.   
  
Aiba blinked. “Oh, I guess he changed his mind, huh? I wonder why…”   
  
Stunned, Sakurai could only shake his head.   
  
“Oh well!” Grinning, Aiba placed the pancake on a tray and picked up the pickled cheese burger. “Waste not, want not. Are you hungry Sho-chan?”   
  
“No! Just… _no._ ”   
  
  
  
  
  
  
 _End._  

**Author's Note:**

> This was one of my first attempts at a story like this, and even all these years later, while I cringe at other things I have published, I'm still quite fond of this one.
> 
> I hope you got at least a fraction of the joy from reading, as I did from writing it.  
> I'd love to hear what you think, and am always open to ideas, if anyone wants to share~


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